Not good enough

Well.. J told me to be myself around him.. Or just be comfortable all the time.. Is not like I don't want to be myself.. Just that.. I always think that I'm not good enough.. Since young, I am compared with my awesome cousins and even my own sister.. Look! Who scored how many As.. Who won this.. Who won that.. Who got into what university.. And I hate it.. HATE HATE HATE!!! Don't misunderstand me.. I love my sister and my cousins.. They are great.. Just that I hate those adults (aunties and uncles) comparing us during festive or family gatherings.. What they intended to prove praising they own child like that.. What they wanted to achieve humiliating my parents like that.. I'm just not good enough for them.. Eventually.. A mask is what I wear in front of them.. To act like I'm happy for their child.. That I don't care a dame what they said.. And in front of my parents, I try to act like someone I am not to please them.. An ideal daughter.. A good student.. Teacher's golden gurl..

I'm tired.. I want to do what I want.. To be what I want to be.. To experience love and to explore more of my teenage life.. I have 6 months left.. Until I turn 20.. How long do I have to continues like this? To act as if I'm okay with all this.. To be what they want me to be.. Haven't I done enough?

I'm torn and worn out.. Do you know? Inside me.. It lays only a broken soul without wings..